When first the small-pox scare did raise
In all men’s minds a ferment,
We doctors saw the people’s craze
Would bring to us preferment.
To teach the public we ne’er miss’d
That we could save the nation;
But lost were all who should resist,
Or shun inoculation.
And this is law, as will maintain
Each “qualified M.D.,” sir;
For whatsoever “fad” obtain,
I still will have my fee, sir.

When Jenner next obtain’d renown,
And cow-pox came in fashion,
My former faith I hooted down
With scientific passion.
All might be saved who would but use
His cow-pox vaccination;
But damn’d were all who dared refuse
Their bodily salvation.
And this is law, &c.

But when the immortal Jenner found
That cow-pox would not do, sir,
And swore by horse-grease, I turn’d round,
And swore by horse-grease too, sir.
Yet “pure calf-lymph” we call’d it still,
To ease the nation’s terrors;
For “Science” will her pockets fill
By simple people’s errors.
And this is law, &c.

One vaccination would remain,
We said, through life sufficient;
But when the small-pox raged again,
And proved it inefficient,
I swore, with all the faculty,
The fault lay with the nation,
Till they our fees should double by
Adult re-vaccination.
And this is law, &c.

Yet since men’s faith doth fast abate,
A new dodge doth inspire us;
And now we do inoculate
Pure calves with human virus.
And “Science,” through the great Pasteur,
With heresy doth battle,
And with the filth men won't endure
Befouls the sheep and cattle.
And this is law, &c.

What though fresh epidemics show
The faculty has blunder’d,
One thing, at least, they surely know—
The people must be plunder’d.
And in my faith and loyalty
I'll never, never falter,
But swear as swears the faculty,
Till they themselves do alter.
And this is law, &c.