If I had a donkey wot wouldn’t go,
D’ye think I’d wollop him?—no, no, no,
But gentle means I’d try d’ye see
Because I hate all cruelty.
If all had been like me in fact,
There’d ha’ been no occasion for Martin’s act,
Dumb animals to prevent getting crackt
On the head—
For if I had a donkey wot wouldn’t go,
I never would wollop him—no, no, no,
I’d give him some hay and cry, gee O!
And come up Ned–dy.

Whot makes me mention this, this morn
I see that cruel chap Bill Burn,
Whilst he was out a crying his greens,
His donkey wollop with all his means.
He hit him o’er his head and thighs,
He brought the tears up in his eyes,
At last my blood began to rise,
And I said—
If I had a donkey, &c.

Bill turn’d and said to me then perhaps,
You’re one of these Mr Martin chaps,
Wot now is seeking for occasion,
All for to lie an information
Though this I stoutly did deny,
Bill up and gave me a blow in the eye,
And I replied as I let fly
At his head—
If I had a donkey, &c.

As Bill and I did break the peace,
To us came up the New Police,
And hiked us off as sure as fate,
Afore the sitting Magistrate.
I told his worship all the spree,
And for to prove the veracity
I wish’d he would the animal see,
For I said—
If I had a donkey, &c.

Bill’s donkey was ordered into court,
In which he caused a deal of sport,
He cock’d his ears and ope’d his jaws,
As if he wish’d to plead his cause.
I prov’d I’d been uncommonly kind,
The ass got a verdict—Bill got fined,
For his worship and I were of one mind.
And he said—
If I had a donkey, &c.

Bill said, your worship, it’s very hard
But ’tisn’t the fine that I regard,
But times are come to a pretty pass
When you musn’t beat a stubborn ass.
His worship said nothing but shut his book,
So Billy off his donkey took—
At the same time giving me such a look—
For I said—Bill,—
If I had a donkey, &c.